Monday, 20 September 2010

Kids - 'k off my reality TV show!

For Doggy and his strong skull.

Children should not be the focus of any reality TV shows because they are not fully matured humans. There is no point watching underdeveloped people because they receive preferential treatment from adult judges, afraid of hurting the little ones' underdeveloped emotions. Here are three of the worst:

Junior Masterchef - Seeing children coming into contact with the individual ingredients used to make a meal is nauseating. The majority of them probably have a permanent layer of encrusted snot bacteria on their baby calluses, which no amount of cleaning agent can remove. More importantly, the judges cannot berate them to the same extent as they can adult competitors - something which has proved to be a sizzling hit on the normal Masterchef and with Gordon Ramsay's shows.

Junior Apprentice - Successful business people tend not to be the coolest of cats, so seeing them in their mid-pubescent 16- to 17-year-old form is uncomfortable. They are all at different stages of puberty and at least two of them are gay but probably haven't outed themselves yet, which could lead to extra bullying in the schoolyard.

X Factor/Pop Idol and all that shit - Children who are talented will nearly always become more talented when they grow into young adults. The idiot audiences in shows like X Factor seem to ignore this. There are also a lot of cases where fame from a young age can damage a person - Michael Jackson, Britney Spears and most professional footballers. And then this can happen, which is just awful for everyone appart from Cowell.

Tuesday, 14 September 2010

Prostitution, pimping pizzas and music on laptops

For Just and other fair people.

Wayne Rooney probably slept wth one or more prostitutes recently. He has done so in the past. I have never slept with a lady of the night and hope I never need too. In some cases I think prostitution is acceptable. But everyone should have a code: Leon the professional killer has "no women, no kids"; Omar from The Wire only steals from fellow criminals; and my brother has to hear every piece of dialogue when watching a film and will rewind if you talk over a line regardless of its significance.
And so when Rooney or anyone else pays for sex from another person he is also paying for a no-hassle, confidential shag. If he rags some split-arse that he picks up in a club he would be right to fear that his wife may find out. But the prostitute who spilled Wayne's salty beans all over the News of the World has broken her vocational code and should be expelled from her trade... for a while, like a magician who reveals a trick.

Now Dr Oetker pizzas used to be better than those of its frozen-pizza competitors, but there are now some better brands available for a much lower price. Notably, Aldi and Lidl pizzas. I recommend pimping a pizza by choosing one with basic toppings such as spinach or mozarella and adding fresh ingredients with the money you save, which will usually be better than the frozen meat and vegetables featured on the more elaborate offerings.

Know this: there are some songs that cannot be enjoyed fully on laptop speakers, which tend to give more volume to the upper frequencies in a song. This makes music from the more bass-driven genres such as funk, techno and 90s pop lose some of their value, leading to misjudgements in musical appreciation. As such, when DJing from a laptop you should choose more vocally driven songs than bass-driven ones - or get a phat speaker syztem, you get me!

Friday, 23 July 2010

Words or phrases you should know but probably maybe do not

Dedicated to my male friends, for which no topic is too taboo.

You bet! - When you see a girl who is fine mm mm tastalicious you can say this. A shortening of "you bet I would". Subtler alternatives include "Mathew Kelly!" the host of UK TV-show "You Bet!" from 1991-95, and, when in Germany, "wetten dass!" from the Fatherland's very own version which is still going strong "Wetten dass..?" and "Thomas Gottschalk!", its presenter.

Camel tail - like a cameltoe but for men.

Tribbing - two ladies scissoring each other.

Perineum - the bit between the arse and male or female sex-piece. Slang terms for male perineae include "barse" and "banus", apparently. I guess you could therefore have "varse" and "vanus" for women.

Split-arse - a woman. A bit vulgar this one, but the etymology of the phrase is if you imagine an arse being split in two, creating two arses, one of which evolves into a vagina. Oh dear.

Fingerbang/fingerpop - to finger a hole, normally sexual but I used it recently to describe putting my fingers down my throat to make myself vomit.

Sunday, 11 July 2010

July shout-outs: stuff proposed by friends

Two from Squeaky Bill this month.

It is this that Squeaky has to say on pre-grated packets of Parmigiano-Reggiano. They are better than whole chunks of the stuff because they are grated to perfection and also save on gruelling manpower. Despite pre-grated being more expensive to buy per gram, Squeakalicious argues that it is actually cheaper - the whole block leads to spillage and big chunks flaking off during self-grating, and you are left with the inedible outer crust at the end.

The game of Boule is great fun, but a three-way game does not work so well as one-on-one or two-on-two games, much like in pool or snooker. But rather than have one person sit out an entire first-to-13 game, Squeaks suggests applying the winner-stays-on rule after each end yet at the same time keeping an accumulative score and playing first to 13. That way no one has to sit out for more than one end. Looking forward to trying that out soon.

Sunday, 27 June 2010

How to play Scrabble and Lexulous

For First Berlin, a great place to work with plenty of time to play Lexulous, read The Guardian and watch YouTube.

Playing Scrabble or its unofficial online version Lexulous is highly addictive and fun. But the fun should be in the drive to win at all costs. Here are a few pointers:

Try to always make at least two words per move, i.e. sticking your letters on the end or parallel to an existing word.

Avoid placing a vowel next to a big bonus tile, this guy can explain why:

Regarding Scrabble, you should only place obscure two-letter words if you know their meaning, otherwise you will just fustrate other opponents by insisting it is a word without being able to define it. This is irrelevant for Lexulous as the two-letter word list is provided. Remember "pi" is the number used to calculate the ratio of a circle and "do, re, mi, fa, so, la, and ti" are the notes of the major scale in Western music.

Think about tile management, you do not want to end up with vowelitis (all vowels) or only consonants. If you have three 'I's and one 'A' and you have the option to play dib or dab; play dib you flid.

Playing Lexulous you should never cheat by using an anagram finder or word generator and, while there may be opponents who will use them, there is no point getting paranoid. Just believe in the decency of others that when you host a table and specifically state that you do not want to play someone who uses a word generator they will comply.

This is what happens when people get too paranoid:

Linda S: since when is zo a word?????
Kaesetorte: its been in the two letter list for as long as i can remember, za and zo
Linda S: only on your board, not on any others that I have played, you sure know how to manipulate the board, if that's the only way you can win, then go for it
Kaesetorte: have you only ever played US list, this is UK english. I don't know how to manipulate the board

Later, after she apologises and rematches me with the US dictonary, I twist the knife a little further, just to ensure she realises what a fucked-up jessie she has been:

Kaesetorte: sorry but i don't play US list, not used to it, much like you with UK. Two nations divided by a common language maybe. You seem to be a fiery woman so don't get too angry at me for deleting, feel free to rematch me anytime on UK list.
Linda S: Thank you for your comments. You are correct I am not familiar with the UK list as I am new to the game. I will be sure that when I join a table to be more aware of what game they are playing. I am not angry at all and hope you accept my apology. Would like to try the UK version soon.
Kaesetorte: anytime linda. stay safe and have fun with the tiles :)

Finally, look at this:

Paula and Louise are R-tards. Not because they have incredibly suck-arse low ratings and are clearly plain stupid, but because they actually think someone with a similarly arse-suck rating would use a word generator. It is nigh on impossible to have such a low rating and cheat.

Notice that Brent and Lee are looking to chat, flirt, etc. No explaination for that, sorry.

Friday, 25 June 2010

England v Germany: on first thoughts

For my father, who preferred rugby to football, leaving me, at the age of eight, to decide whether to support West Germany or England during Italia '90.

Much has been said by the English media about the disappointing displays of England throughout the World Cup. But the biggest con is the English media for constantly elevating England's chances and then kicking them all the way back down to earth when they fail to meet the high expectations set for them.

The general consensus among the English media - both newspapers and TV - is that despite Lampard's disallowed goal Germany played far superior football and would have won anyway. Confidence in such an assertion by so many people seems a bit chips and fishy to me. At two goals apiece it is impossible to say what the final result would be.

If England were to again win the World Cup, many English people would almost certainly buy one or more newspapers the following day to keep as a memento. But the English football press would have less to write about than if England lost as usual - where did it go wrong? Should Capello stay? Who will play in Euro 2012? Who will play at the World Cup in 2014? How can England change to win in future? The list goes on and on like a Duracell Bunny at Fusion Festival.

The media write at great length about the mistakes Capello and the England players made, yet throughout qualification and in the run up to the World Cup the press were shoving piles of nutritious praise on England and Capello. I still read much of it with great interest but that is because I am half-German and so can distance myself from the pathetic nature of it all.

Nevertheless, some key points:

German goalkeeper Manuel Neuer's assist was the first by a goalkeeper in a world cup since 1966. That means Terry and Upson cocked up that one.

In Raphael Honigstein's excellent book Englischer Fussball - A German's view of our beautiful game, when discussing the British footballing press, he points out that "it is all about movement, a constantly evolving narrative. Newspapers deliberately write off teams, coaches or players so that their eventual rise can be even more dramatic; or suffocate a team under a blanket of superlatives until they can dance on its grave."

The Premier League, being a separate organisation from the English FA, has next to no interest in developing English talent. It wants to continue to stage the best league in the world.

June shout-outs: stuff proposed by friends

One from brother blaze C-Mac and one from Quarkus Feucht.

Extremely Berlin-specific this one, but park-loving C-Mac came up with a useful way to tell people where exactly you are in Görlitzer Park's crater. If you imagine the crater to be a clock face. You tell people the metal sculpture is 12 o'clock and then simply tell them the time at which you are sat.

Below is a satellite image of said crater. Ignore the Hühnerhaus and Café Marx pointers, they are wrong. The 12 o'clock marker is casting a thin shadow on the left. Best to avoid 8-10 o'clock, for it is there where the alcoholics hide in the shade to conserve on essential perspiration liquids. 4-6 o'clock gives the longest amount of sun and is the most lively, if that is what you are after.

Quarkus has this to say on the small v big packet of American Spirit debate: people who buy the small packet are like people who drink small beers - they like to think that they can stop drinking at any time should they want to, and will thus-saidly waste less beer than if they were to drink a large beer.

As far as we are both aware there is no difference in the price-to-grammage ratio, but the question of the price-to-crumbage/dryishness ratio is an interesting one. My guess is about the same, but I would love to know if anyone thinks otherwise. Buying the small packet means you can also buy a pack of filters or skins for just under €5. This is, of course, only a short-term saving.

Tuesday, 12 January 2010

The Olympics, terrorists and Kekswichsen

For the Bad Boys on Tuesdays and the Expats vs. Germans on Wednesdays.

When a sport's greatest obtainable achievement is an olympic gold it should be an olympic event. If there is another tournament or trophy which is considered a better of harder achievement in a certain sport then that sport should not be an olympic event. For example, sports like football and tennis have more revered trophies - the FIFA World Cup, Roland Garros, Wimbledon etc. - whereas the 100m sprint does not. Simple.

All women's world records are void. The terminology should be changed to "women's record". I am for sexual equality but I cannot help but feel that the fastest person in the world holds the world record, and if that happens to be a man then so be it. Only one person can have a world record, never two.

Now what the Flec were Flec (Front for the Liberation of the Enclave of Cabinda) thinking when they shot at the Togan national team's coaches? The world, and especially Africans, love football. Utterly love it to fuck. Footballers should be untouchable like "made" men in the mafia or cops. No one will feel any empathy for them, unlike them lads responsible for 9/11, the 'RA or Hamas.

Keep thinking about Kekswichsen/soggy biscuit, do I. I love both words and the idea of the game. I would never play it myself, unless it was for a large sum of money, but it nevertheless fascinates me. So much so that I once tried to write a screenplay for a short film about three lads that play soggy biscuit to respect the dying wishes of their terminally ill friend. The best comment below gets an exclusive look at said draft. This is good: