March shout-outs: rules proposed by friends

For three-year-old Rico, who did a Kacke when I was the only adult in the flat. And lo and behold, when I anxiously went to wipe his arse – nothing, not a trace. The little fella had done one of those poos where you don’t need to wipe.

My brother says, if you buy someone a gift, don’t go for the easy option of either CD, DVD or book. In doing this, the gift giver is forced to use his imagination – and will invariably buy a better present.

He’s been a busy bee this month, also introducing me to his orange/banana system. What he does is this: prepare the individual orange segments and – here’s the twist – slice the banana. Then he eats a slice of banana followed by a slice of orange, and so on. The orange, he says, is perfect to wash down the banana and I agree.

The prize for biggest internet dick-face goes to Darren James Higginbottom. I caught this guy on a Facebook forum about Manchester’s finest poet, Morrissey.

You either 'get' Morrissey or you don't...if you DO 'get' him – then you are far better off for it, and probably have a far richer intellect as a result believe me.

Oh dear. He makes the small mistake of coming across as a massive arse.

Viewing football - it's the game itself which we should truly love

For Brian Clough - "If God had meant the game to be played up there, he would've put goalposts in the air."

To enjoy viewing football you have to remain objective. And being a hardcore fan of one club prevents this.

There are two reasons why football is the greatest sport. First, the shape of the ball. The sphere is the most perfect object in nature and mathematics; a player can make instinctive decisions by predicting its movement. Second, football takes the arms and hands - the most coordinated parts of the body - out of the equation, making it difficult enough to be impressive when played well. There isn't another sport in which the competitors are such well-balanced athletes. Tennis looks good in slow motion, but nobody cares about one man's dedication to something. Snooker is brilliant but - thanks to failed attempts - will never be a team sport.

Do support one club - just don't do it blindly. To enjoy the game for its entertainment value you must do it without favouritism. Admit a team's wrongs, even if it's your own.

However, football is also drama. The stories behind the clubs, managers and players make viewing more exciting. And this is why a certain amount of emotional attachment to one club is good.

Three rules they should bring in:

If the ball appears to have crossed the line, the referee has to ask the fourth official to view the replay. It won't take long; it's an undisputable decision. Fouls aren't, but offsides will be soon (some kind of sensor technology - real quick).
If a player is whistled for offside, he should still be allowed to shoot, as it is his right to do so, if only to let off steam, follow his instincts and entertain the crowd.
If a goalkeeper concedes a penalty, he shouldn't be given a red card, unless he saves the penalty.