Sunday, 11 October 2009

How to avoid poo on your face

For Mr Shit, who I was lucky enough to witness shitting from a tree.

Here is some of my shit advice:

Poo always smells. If you live in a communal space or if you are visiting someone's house you should shit quickly. Flush upon completing your shit to get the smell out of the building; then wipe until no traces of faeces remain, wiping once more for good measure, and flush again. A naked flame also helps to burn off smell.

If you are male, the long amount of time spent in the bathroom and the second flush will inform everyone that you have had a shit. At least they know you are thorough. If you are female two flushes and a long amount of time spent in the bathroom does not always mean you have had a shit.

Speaking of shit, look at this shit who started a group on Facebook called "The ashtray is not a bin!" Not only does he use the exclamation mark, he also makes a grammatical error in his title, which I have included in this sentence. Worst of all, he and his groupies formed a group solely to focus on this one point, rather than expanding it into a discussion board for what, so to speak, is also not.

Should you need to shit; shit, you shit. Otherwise your farts will smell of shit. Which is usually wrong.

Friday, 4 September 2009

How to get ahead as a flight controller

For Quarkus, the introducer, Mari, the one that made the dream a reality, and Bean, the Padawan by proxy.

Flight Control on the iPod Touch/iPhone is the best game to make use of the touch pad, and the gameplay - requiring a balance of concentration, consistency, crowd management, cool-as-ice nerves and cockiness - is up there with Tetris and 1-player Pro Evo. But what can you do to get a score beyond your initial comprehension (on airfield one)?

Use the optimum playing position: find a steady surface on a static object; ensure that your body won't get sore or uncomfortable from playing for more than 10 minutes; and have all around you know the importance of what you're doing.

Common rules of flight don't apply. The aircraft can perform sharp turns any which way you choose. This is essential for speed and guaging how far a plane is from the runway in comparison to other aircraft. Also, each of the four type of aircraft come from four possible places on the edge of the screen, meaning that if you learn all 16 possibilities you are prepared before they enter the air space. And they all fly towards the middle.

Keep your cool when things get busy. Get the big jets in first and the others will follow. Try to learn the most common and successful flight paths and avoid flying along the edge of the screen unless absolutely necessary.

Now, O F F with you.

Monday, 24 August 2009

Facebook part II

Dedicated to those that told me to blog again - Quarkus, Jay-D, El Bean and The Short Age.

Yesteryear, Facebook was about adding friends you hadn't spoken to in years, having a short message rally and then keeping them as a friend despite never speaking to them again. But times are a rearrangin', and here's what you need to do to keep up.

Out with the old and in with the selected new: it's time to delete some of those old primary-school friends that you will never speak to again. No need for them to see photos of you getting mashed at a festival on 6 different types of drugs. Try deleting 20 friends, then delete 20 more. And don't add people willy-silly nilly. You never know when some goofoid will realise that you live in Berlin and they always wanted to go there and they want to see you and you never get any peace for the whole summer. In fact, delete info on where you live so this doesn't happen anymore.

Utterly incriminating photos of your friends smoking joints or worse should not be put online; the internet never forgets.

Also, tag moderately. Choose a complementing photo. Tagging is also important as it allows friends of tagged people to see the photos, too.

Resist using exlamation marks in messages, despite what some say about a message coming across as serious when it's only meant to be banter. People should know you well enough to tell if you are joking or not - if they don't, remove them.

Send emails to individuals using proper email accounts and not on Facebook. This saves clicks, i.e. reading the message in your regular email account and then having to click on a link in order to reply to the message on Facebook. Threads, however, are great on Facebook

Everytime you write an update it will appear on all of your friends' startpage. So don't write utterly boring yesterday's wank-rag about how hungover you are, or how much you're lookin 4ward2 da wkend lol. Do post stuff like this because it's good and we should encourage people to create more - thank you all:

Thursday, 5 March 2009

Why Cowboy Coffee is the best and how to make it

For Quarkus Feucht, who never pushed Cowboy Coffee on me, but nevertheless changed my outlook on an important part of my day; and Luigi, who taught me that you should always tell someone what a Cowboy Coffee is well before they finish it.

If you go into a large electronics shop, you'll notice that a lot of shop-floor space is devoted to coffee machines and accessories. And people spend a lot on coffee machines or in coffee shops each year. But the best way to drink the black stuff also happens to be one of the cheapest.

Urban, non-traditional Cowboy Coffee, or Turkish Coffee, is when you put ground coffee in a mug and add water. The coffee granules float around before settling at the bottom to form a thick residue, meaning that you don't drink the last bit of coffee.

To make it, add hot water first, then milk, otherwise some of the coffee won't sink to the bottom. If you take sugar, add it with the gound coffee, pour in the hot water and immediately stir; then raise and lower the spoon a few times to stop the liquid's movement and allow the coffee to settle; then, if you take it, add milk. Blow lightly on the fatty froth to move it to one side of the mug and loosen any clusters of ground coffee from the top. Enjoy, and be a smug bastard. Here's why:

Cowboy Coffee retains the fat of the bean. The only other way to do that is with an expensive espresso machine. The fat, important to the taste, cannot fully pass though a filter, French press or stove-top espresso maker, all cheaper alternatives for the average household.

Usually, instant coffee is shit (although Starbucks claim to have invented one which isn't). So the quickest way to make semi-decent coffee, given that instant's no option, is Cowboy-style.

Nowadays, coffee has been so gayed-up that homosexuals are embarrassed about it - it outcamps them. Cowboys are manly, just look at those two lads in that shit Brokenarse Mountain film.

The three above points, combined with the sense that you belong to an exclusive and small club of smart-arsed, yet cool, coffee drinkers, provides for a fun party conversation when you decide to have a coffee after midnight in order to set you up for a second round of boozing.