Monday, 20 September 2010

Kids - 'k off my reality TV show!

For Doggy and his strong skull.

Children should not be the focus of any reality TV shows because they are not fully matured humans. There is no point watching underdeveloped people because they receive preferential treatment from adult judges, afraid of hurting the little ones' underdeveloped emotions. Here are three of the worst:

Junior Masterchef - Seeing children coming into contact with the individual ingredients used to make a meal is nauseating. The majority of them probably have a permanent layer of encrusted snot bacteria on their baby calluses, which no amount of cleaning agent can remove. More importantly, the judges cannot berate them to the same extent as they can adult competitors - something which has proved to be a sizzling hit on the normal Masterchef and with Gordon Ramsay's shows.

Junior Apprentice - Successful business people tend not to be the coolest of cats, so seeing them in their mid-pubescent 16- to 17-year-old form is uncomfortable. They are all at different stages of puberty and at least two of them are gay but probably haven't outed themselves yet, which could lead to extra bullying in the schoolyard.

X Factor/Pop Idol and all that shit - Children who are talented will nearly always become more talented when they grow into young adults. The idiot audiences in shows like X Factor seem to ignore this. There are also a lot of cases where fame from a young age can damage a person - Michael Jackson, Britney Spears and most professional footballers. And then this can happen, which is just awful for everyone appart from Cowell.

Tuesday, 14 September 2010

Prostitution, pimping pizzas and music on laptops

For Just and other fair people.

Wayne Rooney probably slept wth one or more prostitutes recently. He has done so in the past. I have never slept with a lady of the night and hope I never need too. In some cases I think prostitution is acceptable. But everyone should have a code: Leon the professional killer has "no women, no kids"; Omar from The Wire only steals from fellow criminals; and my brother has to hear every piece of dialogue when watching a film and will rewind if you talk over a line regardless of its significance.
And so when Rooney or anyone else pays for sex from another person he is also paying for a no-hassle, confidential shag. If he rags some split-arse that he picks up in a club he would be right to fear that his wife may find out. But the prostitute who spilled Wayne's salty beans all over the News of the World has broken her vocational code and should be expelled from her trade... for a while, like a magician who reveals a trick.

Now Dr Oetker pizzas used to be better than those of its frozen-pizza competitors, but there are now some better brands available for a much lower price. Notably, Aldi and Lidl pizzas. I recommend pimping a pizza by choosing one with basic toppings such as spinach or mozarella and adding fresh ingredients with the money you save, which will usually be better than the frozen meat and vegetables featured on the more elaborate offerings.

Know this: there are some songs that cannot be enjoyed fully on laptop speakers, which tend to give more volume to the upper frequencies in a song. This makes music from the more bass-driven genres such as funk, techno and 90s pop lose some of their value, leading to misjudgements in musical appreciation. As such, when DJing from a laptop you should choose more vocally driven songs than bass-driven ones - or get a phat speaker syztem, you get me!