How to avoid poo on your face

For Mr Shit, who I was lucky enough to witness shitting from a tree.

Here is some of my shit advice:

Poo always smells. If you live in a communal space or if you are visiting someone's house you should shit quickly. Flush upon completing your shit to get the smell out of the building; then wipe until no traces of faeces remain, wiping once more for good measure, and flush again. A naked flame also helps to burn off smell.

If you are male, the long amount of time spent in the bathroom and the second flush will inform everyone that you have had a shit. At least they know you are thorough. If you are female two flushes and a long amount of time spent in the bathroom does not always mean you have had a shit.

Speaking of shit, look at this shit who started a group on Facebook called "The ashtray is not a bin!" Not only does he use the exclamation mark, he also makes a grammatical error in his title, which I have included in this sentence. Worst of all, he and his groupies formed a group solely to focus on this one point, rather than expanding it into a discussion board for what, so to speak, is also not.

Should you need to shit; shit, you shit. Otherwise your farts will smell of shit. Which is usually wrong.