April shout-outs: stuff proposed by friends

Two from big Tom this week.

Guess the tits: stand behind a bird and try to guess if she's got nice baps on her. When she turns round to reveal her lady-sacks, several things can happen.
You guessed that her fun-bags would be big. Yes! They are, you're celebrating. She has bee stings. No! Shit. Play again.
You guessed she'd have tiny little jabbers. You're right. You feel good, self-assured. You're wrong. She's got a nice pair o' melons baby! Great game.

Pub-to-club observation: I've often noticed that during an evening with the lads I enjoy the club less than the pub preamble. Tom explains it like this: you go for some beers with the boys, get the banter and booze flowing; you're bouncing off each other. A rally of one-liners. Then off to the club and the banter suddenly stops. Now you need to create good vibes through a combination of body language and more booze - not good. You get smashed and try and pull; you don't really need the lads for that.

How to win at Pro Evolution Soccer

For Hayward. With him I had some of the greatest days spent in the worst living room I know, playing two-player master league.

Here's how to win at Pro Evo you lucky bastards.

Sit to attention: lean forward - you're not watching TV - and try to sit face-on to the screen.

Practice against the computer on level five. If you can't beat the computer on level five more than 80% of the time, forget it, never play again.

Use the radar: not doing so means you can only see what's currently on the screen. The radar is most useful when you win the ball in your own half and want to go on the counter-attack. I will often play the ball from defence to attack using only those useful dots at the bottom of the screen. When I've played against people who insist that you don't need to use the radar, I've always won the majority of games. In fact, I once played a first-to-50 against a friend who had turned off the radar option because he thought it was a visual distraction - unbelievable (we stopped playing after it got to about 20-4 to me).

Shooting: always tap the shoot button, no matter how far from goal you are. Plus, if you always tap shoot, it'll become instinctive; you'll reduce the risk of skying your shot in high-pressure moments.

Never lose the ball cheaply. Always clear the ball rather than pass it out of defence, unless it's safe to do so. Weak goals are inexcusable, be ashamed of that shit.

(Nearly) never use slide-tackle. Instead use the pressure button - but don't simply hold it down like you're going in for the kill; rather, ease in on your prey softly-softly catchy-monkey, like your tapping the accelerator in a car.

Make substitutions. Check the fitness levels of your players at half time and again, if necessary, on around the 70-minute mark. Also, pay attention to the players' form. If they've "got down syndrome", get them out; if they've "got a boner", play them. But not if it's the keeper or a star player, you muppet.

Pass the Dutchie to the correct side - spliff etiquette

For G-Force, a non-profit one-man dealer organisation.

Everyone (who can) should take turns to roll - and it's totally acceptable to goad a reluctant stoner to pull his weight.

Passing the doobie to the left-hand side is not a good rule. Instead, alternate the hand-off, ensuring that the same people from the smoker's circle don't repeatedly get the end, middle or beginning of the joint as it does the rounds.

You can throw the joint to the next smoker if you are outside and sat down - this breaks the silence and promotes movement.

Shout-out to the Beard for inspiring the "toke toll" - if the spliff needs to go via someone to get to the next stoner in the queue, that someone, if more than one-third of the joint remains, can take a drag of the joint as way of payment for his time and effort. This rule only applies if it is someone; and not some two, three or four greedy weed fiends.

Some don'ts and don'ts:

Don't roach someone's rizla packet without asking first. Any missing corner of card is a tell-tale sign of marijuana consumption; which, given some people's desire or need for discretion, you shouldn't leave evidence of without permission.

Don't mock, abuse or lecture a fellow stoner over his smoking technique. Rather, teach by way of suggestion and arguement. Getting high, like all arts, should evolve through the sharing of ideas and not, like bad art, by being dictated to you.

Don't pass someone an unlit joint. If you do, tell them it needs lighting and apologise for not having a lighter. It's rude to watch your fellow smoker go through the uncomfortable experience of taking a drag on a dud spliff.

March shout-outs: rules proposed by friends

For three-year-old Rico, who did a Kacke when I was the only adult in the flat. And lo and behold, when I anxiously went to wipe his arse – nothing, not a trace. The little fella had done one of those poos where you don’t need to wipe.

My brother says, if you buy someone a gift, don’t go for the easy option of either CD, DVD or book. In doing this, the gift giver is forced to use his imagination – and will invariably buy a better present.

He’s been a busy bee this month, also introducing me to his orange/banana system. What he does is this: prepare the individual orange segments and – here’s the twist – slice the banana. Then he eats a slice of banana followed by a slice of orange, and so on. The orange, he says, is perfect to wash down the banana and I agree.

The prize for biggest internet dick-face goes to Darren James Higginbottom. I caught this guy on a Facebook forum about Manchester’s finest poet, Morrissey.

You either 'get' Morrissey or you don't...if you DO 'get' him – then you are far better off for it, and probably have a far richer intellect as a result believe me.

Oh dear. He makes the small mistake of coming across as a massive arse.

Viewing football - it's the game itself which we should truly love

For Brian Clough - "If God had meant the game to be played up there, he would've put goalposts in the air."

To enjoy viewing football you have to remain objective. And being a hardcore fan of one club prevents this.

There are two reasons why football is the greatest sport. First, the shape of the ball. The sphere is the most perfect object in nature and mathematics; a player can make instinctive decisions by predicting its movement. Second, football takes the arms and hands - the most coordinated parts of the body - out of the equation, making it difficult enough to be impressive when played well. There isn't another sport in which the competitors are such well-balanced athletes. Tennis looks good in slow motion, but nobody cares about one man's dedication to something. Snooker is brilliant but - thanks to failed attempts - will never be a team sport.

Do support one club - just don't do it blindly. To enjoy the game for its entertainment value you must do it without favouritism. Admit a team's wrongs, even if it's your own.

However, football is also drama. The stories behind the clubs, managers and players make viewing more exciting. And this is why a certain amount of emotional attachment to one club is good.

Three rules they should bring in:

If the ball appears to have crossed the line, the referee has to ask the fourth official to view the replay. It won't take long; it's an undisputable decision. Fouls aren't, but offsides will be soon (some kind of sensor technology - real quick).
If a player is whistled for offside, he should still be allowed to shoot, as it is his right to do so, if only to let off steam, follow his instincts and entertain the crowd.
If a goalkeeper concedes a penalty, he shouldn't be given a red card, unless he saves the penalty.