Prostitution, pimping pizzas and music on laptops

For Just and other fair people.

Wayne Rooney probably slept wth one or more prostitutes recently. He has done so in the past. I have never slept with a lady of the night and hope I never need too. In some cases I think prostitution is acceptable. But everyone should have a code: Leon the professional killer has "no women, no kids"; Omar from The Wire only steals from fellow criminals; and my brother has to hear every piece of dialogue when watching a film and will rewind if you talk over a line regardless of its significance.

And so when Rooney or anyone else pays for sex from another person he is also paying for a no-hassle, confidential shag. If he rags some split-arse that he picks up in a club he would be right to fear that his wife may find out. But the prostitute who spilled Wayne's salty beans all over the News of the World has broken her vocational code and should be expelled from her trade... for a while, like a magician who reveals a trick.

Now Dr Oetker pizzas used to be better than those of its frozen-pizza competitors, but there are now some better brands available for a much lower price. Notably, Aldi and Lidl pizzas. I recommend pimping a pizza by choosing one with basic toppings such as spinach or mozarella and adding fresh ingredients with the money you save, which will usually be better than the frozen meat and vegetables featured on the more elaborate offerings.

Know this: there are some songs that cannot be enjoyed fully on laptop speakers, which tend to give more volume to the upper frequencies in a song. This makes music from the more bass-driven genres such as funk, techno and 90s pop lose some of their value, leading to misjudgements in musical appreciation. As such, when DJing from a laptop you should choose more vocally driven songs than bass-driven ones - or get a phat speaker syztem, you get me!

Cooking: garnish with love

For Eric, an experimental jazz-chef of the highest order

When cooking, the resulting food is often mistaken as that which we should love. Instead, while the meal is the purpose of cooking, to be truly rewarded for cooking a meal it is the food-making process itself which we should learn to enjoy.

Show respect for the utensils and cooking space. Love the technology, keep everything clean. If the kitchen looks like a bomb-site post cooking then you've gone wrong. Some are prone to putting food on a hob, going to the living room to watch the goggle-box and returning 10 minutes later to find that some of their shit-about-to-be-slopped-on-a-plate pap has become burnt and stuck to the base of the pan. It's baffling to think that some twits think the food will just cook itself.

Another faux pas is to slap the shit-on-tray faff and rush off to the dining table/armchair to cram the sludge down your gob as quickly as possible. Instead, serve the food and rinse out the pots and pans used so washing up later doesn't involve scraping, rubbing, sanding and too much general elbow grease.

Don't add salt unless absolutely necessary (i.e. lowering the temperature of water to boil pasta). Give the eater the option of adding salt to the finished dish himself. It's an absolute tit-up to make food, only to find that the eater would have prefered less salt.