My researcher told me I'd get her on this one

For Robot Jon, who never let anyone take his porn away.

If your girlfriend asks why you use porn and don't think of her, use this: there is a difference between reality and fantasy. And wanking allows the wanker to explore his imagination. Though it's probably best not to discuss it really. Only if she brings it up - always be honest and defend yourself.

Rule: don't wank to a picture or video of someone you know.
Exception to the rule: you've taken them to the bone yard.

Is this gay?

This clip immediately made me ask if it was gay to be aroused by it? I think it is because both humans have penises. It is ok, however, to watch and enjoy a she-male shag a woman; that's no different to watching regular man-on-bird porn. There just needs to be one penis-less person involved - and no two penis-equipped people can engage each other sexually; in the midst of a threesome, for example. Still, I must say, I find all of this very confusing.

Wank tip No. 1: save it for later.

Just come up with this now. Sometimes when you have a wank using youporn, you end up – in the heat of the wanky moment – settling for a poor video selection. Instead, spend a free moment of time at work selecting one or more clips of true quality and then email the links to yourself for when you get home.

While in the office you can’t wank (unless you’re alone and you’re sure it’s safe) and so you judge the videos differently.

Thanks to this new system, I now have les-be-friend kissing, 69ers and a bit of ebony to look forward to later.

The ethics of watching porn (re-edited).

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The ethics of watching porn

For Jewart Gaywood, a man who, deprived of a video or DVD player, borrowed the case to a porno I had, and in doing so, proved his dedication to the cause.

The ethics of watching porn – tricky one this, given the difficulty in telling if a girl is willing, unwilling, or enjoy being slightly unwilling. Don’t listen to people who tell you watching porn is bad. Their logic is this: some of the people in porn are pressured or even forced – given their monetary status or pressure applied from someone – to be in pornographic films.

Utter shite logic. This argumentative ‘template’ is used in other forms - gambling, drinking, drugs, etc. For example, Bill Hicks described the warning that you shouldn’t take LSD because you may believe you can fly and jump of a building, and he flipped it on its head, calling people who do this dicks. “If he thought he could fly, why didn’t he practise taking off from the ground first?”

The point being this: yes, some of the people in porn are taken advantage of, but some people who drink alcohol become alcoholics. Harold Shipman, the GP from Hyde, England, was the biggest known serial killer of all time but we haven't ban this tried and tested medical profession.

How to avoid this. First of all, if a person in a porno is under aged, stop watching. You’re watching child porn. Get out of the room; turn off your computer. Better still, burn the bastard.

Cheap porn is often a bad sign. Go for the upmarket stuff starring the bigger names, i.e. Gina Wild, Jenna Jameson, Chasey Lain (a personal favourite; she had a blonde streak in her hair which I liked). Alternatively, turn full circle and go for ultra-cheap, home-movie stuff. If the man getting fellated is holding the camera in one hand, I doubt he’s got a gun in his other.

I think men like me watch porn just to see other people have sex. A form of compensation if you like. I hardly ever have sex but God damn do I wank one off every now and then. Why should I miss out on penetration etc.? I never hurt no body, raped no body, or robbed nobody. Well the last one isn't quite true. More on that another day.

I know this blog was badly structured and none of my arguments were well constructed. Sorry. I think I'll edit it next week.