Facebook part II

Dedicated to those that told me to blog again - Quarkus, Jay-D, El Bean and The Short Age.

Yesteryear, Facebook was about adding friends you hadn't spoken to in years, having a short message rally and then keeping them as a friend despite never speaking to them again. But times are a rearrangin', and here's what you need to do to keep up.

Out with the old and in with the selected new: it's time to delete some of those old primary-school friends that you will never speak to again. No need for them to see photos of you getting mashed at a festival on 6 different types of drugs. Try deleting 20 friends, then delete 20 more. And don't add people willy-silly nilly. You never know when some goofoid will realise that you live in Berlin and they always wanted to go there and they want to see you and you never get any peace for the whole summer. In fact, delete info on where you live so this doesn't happen anymore.

Utterly incriminating photos of your friends smoking joints or worse should not be put online; the internet never forgets.

Also, tag moderately. Choose a complementing photo. Tagging is also important as it allows friends of tagged people to see the photos, too.

Resist using exlamation marks in messages, despite what some say about a message coming across as serious when it's only meant to be banter. People should know you well enough to tell if you are joking or not - if they don't, remove them.

Send emails to individuals using proper email accounts and not on Facebook. This saves clicks, i.e. reading the message in your regular email account and then having to click on a link in order to reply to the message on Facebook. Threads, however, are great on Facebook

Everytime you write an update it will appear on all of your friends' startpage. So don't write utterly boring yesterday's wank-rag about how hungover you are, or how much you're lookin 4ward2 da wkend lol. Do post stuff like this because it's good and we should encourage people to create more - thank you all:

Facebook is a good way to keep in touch with friends

For the Calton Avenue Boys, a.k.a. Kings of Banter.

To establish the rules of Facebook profile pages, one point must be made before the rest can follow: if you are on Facebook to make friends, stop reading, you’re an idiot, make friends by actually meeting/talking to people an’ all that; if you are on Facebook to keep in touch with existing friends or re-establish contact with former friends, read on.

First rule: do have a photo. The attraction of Facebook, apart from its ease of use, is that it puts a face to the recipient. Not having a photo shows a lack of effort. Even worse is to have a cartoon image of yourself. This tells friends which you haven’t seen in a while that you’ve gotten fat.

Second rule: give your phone number. Some friends may not have your number. If you don’t want some of your ‘friends’ to know your number then they’re not your friends.

Third rule: Don’t allude to your relationship status or sexuality. Clearly a pattern is emerging. If your friends don’t know if you prefer the penis or the vagina, they’re not your friends. And stating if you’re single or not removes all sense of mystery and excitement. It can also lead to problems when you start a relationship with someone on Facebook and you can’t gauge when the best time to change from ‘single’ to ‘in a relationship’ is.

Fourth rule: bit controversial this one – It is acceptable to un-tag yourself on a photo. We, as aging lifeforms, age. And as such, a timeless image could depict a person badly, i.e. we are not supposed to be viewed as a still image. A good example would be the way the media shows politicians and celebrities pulling funny faces and then builds a caption or headline around it.

Fifth rule: adding applications and joining groups – you shouldn’t do it. When I first joined Facebook I received an invitation from a close friend to join the group ‘Bring back Fifteen to One’. I did, naively so, but in reality all I was saying was I liked Fifteen to One, it was a good show and I’d like to see it back on the telly. But you can keep that sort of stuff to yourself, really.

Sixth rule: don't remove friends. Somebody did it to me and I noticed. It hurt. I've recently spoken to the lady in question and we've sorted it all out now.

Shout out to Jacinta for this seventh rule: don't make an album with less than ten photos, says Jacinta. Well done love.