Words or phrases you should know but probably maybe do not

Dedicated to my male friends, for which no topic is too taboo.

You bet! - When you see a girl who is fine mm mm tastalicious you can say this. A shortening of "you bet I would". Subtler alternatives include "Mathew Kelly!" the host of UK TV-show "You Bet!" from 1991-95, and, when in Germany, "wetten dass!" from the Fatherland's very own version which is still going strong "Wetten dass..?" and "Thomas Gottschalk!", its presenter.

Camel tail - like a cameltoe but for men.

Tribbing - two ladies scissoring each other.

Perineum - the bit between the arse and male or female sex-piece. Slang terms for male perineae include "barse" and "banus", apparently. I guess you could therefore have "varse" and "vanus" for women.

Split-arse - a woman. A bit vulgar this one, but the etymology of the phrase is if you imagine an arse being split in two, creating two arses, one of which evolves into a vagina. Oh dear.

Fingerbang/fingerpop - to finger a hole, normally sexual but I used it recently to describe putting my fingers down my throat to make myself vomit.

An asthray is not a bin

For all the copy editors and grammarians – stick to the cause and if anyone calls you picky, remember that some people out there, whether indirectly or not, appreciate what you do.

Some people don't think about what they write anymore and the email has made writing almost as easy as talking. The following things annoyed me:

Bonjour M. Knight, or should I say bonsoir, I am writing to[...]

Yes you should say bonsoir, so go back, delete “bonjour”, replace it with “bonsoir” and continue writing. This isn't dialogue; you have the chance to correct your mistake, use it.

Oi, [Werner]. How the hell are you?

This is all she wrote. It left me with no return of serve - she gave me no information about herself and asked for no specific news about me. She could have sent the same thing to anyone, or I could have popped into her train of thought briefly, so she banged this out and got on with her day. “How are you?” is a conversation opener but far from a complete contribution in written form. I'm left with the annoying task of thinking of something to say – I have to make all the effort for something I didn't start.

Am not back in Baerlin until the 2nd but if you need any help with carrying shit then let me know!

Hugs, A

It's not necessary for Andy to use the exclamation mark; he must have had time to do a quick spell check; and either he can't be arsed to write his own name out fully, or thinks he's worthy of abbreviation status like FDR, JS Bach, AA Milne or OJ Simpson.

We had some gr8 times, but times hav chnged. I nd 2tel u hw I feel about the txt

For Stuart, who I've witnessed lift a rack of shelves through a window.

Sometimes you just want to tell something to someone, without having to go through the usual preamble of a telephone conversation. That's when an SMS can be useful. But there are some situations in which the text message has become moribund.

The SMS is no longer an acceptable way to make your first phone contact with a lady you're interested in. If you've gotten to know a woman and want to see her again, a phone call shows more effort and dedication.

The break-up text in a no no, unless you're a teenager, or courting one. Think back to an SMS which was a key part of break-up negotiations and it probably wasn't pretty - but then neither was she. Break the news face-to-face, in a public place.

Throw some shelves with dictionaries, thesauri, and other reference books out the window, but then drag it all back in. It was ok to write in text-speak and in many ways it still is. There's no need for grammarian-level punctuation, God no. But words should be spelt out in full and the use of “2” for “to” or “too” and “4” for “for” should be avoided. If something is easier for the writer it isn’t necessarily easier for the reader. We learn to read complete words and breaking up sentences with abbreviations made of numbers becomes confusing.

Going back to emails: here are two facebook wall posts I found:

Ruby, from Argentina, at first glance, appears to be totally deranged; however, on closer inspection, it becomes clear that some real effort has gone into this highly impressive creation, which has a strange feel of musical notation about it:

HelloOoooOoooOOoooo MikeeeeeEeeeeeEeeeeEEeeeeEEeeeeeeey, helloOoooOoooOOoooo hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii ;O :s :D :)) ;0 :O ;0 :)) ;))

Harriet, from University College London, simply doesn't understand:

I don't understand!!!!!!!!!!!1

And in her confusion the poor girl's finger slips from the shift key, leaving a bemused “1” to question why it looks different from all the others.

An ashtray is not a bin!

For Jay-D who, despite disliking my use, as an Englishman, of the word SMS rather than text message, is a Europhile at heart.

Some linguists have suggested that the English language has suffered as a result of the email and SMS. Absolute poppycock. They just give a bunch of arseholes carte blanche to express themselves as lazily and haphazardly as they like.

“LOL” is not acceptable. Just use “haha”, it's more onomatopoeic. “Hows u?” – what the fuck? This is almost as bad as putting an exclamation mark at the end of a sentence. By putting emphasis on sentences in this way, you only serve to desensitise the reader to what you are saying. It shows a lack of creativity; an inability to say what you feel with words, relying, instead, on a pretty little piece of punctuation.

Here's an example: “no matter what country you are in... you cannot escape the dreaded ikea bag lol” I don't know this person but Jesus, not only does she use lol, she uses it to draw attention to what she perceives to be a funny joke – her joke. The Ikea bag she refers to is in a picture of a family at a beach. They probably took the Ikea bag because it is big and sturdy. Her comment is therefore redundant.

Another tool: “Man that is one cute kid!” – a comment left on a photo of a mother and daughter. This idiot obviously feels that to use a simple full stop at the end of the sentence wouldn't really do justice to his excitement.

Another spoon: “Yeh, that's what's cute ;)” – the use of the winking smiley here suggests that the writer is being ironic or clever, without providing any evidence whatsoever to suggest that that is the case.

I must stress that women are exempt from the last two sub-rules. Physically, ladies are shapely and beautiful; men are mechanical and bland. And so it makes sense for a woman to decorate her sentences with smileys and exclamation marks, in the same way that they wear pretty clothes and make up. Men, on the other hand, in basic terms, have to provide hard evidence (oops, pardon!) to prove their worth – we're not peacocks.

To summarise, people write utterly mundane bullshit and at the end of it use a punctuation mark or smiley to excuse their hollow personalities. Yes! I win!