March shout-outs: rules proposed by friends

For three-year-old Rico, who did a Kacke when I was the only adult in the flat. And lo and behold, when I anxiously went to wipe his arse – nothing, not a trace. The little fella had done one of those poos where you don’t need to wipe.

My brother says, if you buy someone a gift, don’t go for the easy option of either CD, DVD or book. In doing this, the gift giver is forced to use his imagination – and will invariably buy a better present.

He’s been a busy bee this month, also introducing me to his orange/banana system. What he does is this: prepare the individual orange segments and – here’s the twist – slice the banana. Then he eats a slice of banana followed by a slice of orange, and so on. The orange, he says, is perfect to wash down the banana and I agree.

The prize for biggest internet dick-face goes to Darren James Higginbottom. I caught this guy on a Facebook forum about Manchester’s finest poet, Morrissey.

You either 'get' Morrissey or you don't...if you DO 'get' him – then you are far better off for it, and probably have a far richer intellect as a result believe me.

Oh dear. He makes the small mistake of coming across as a massive arse.