Take off your shitting shoes, you shit

For Squeaky. I hate so many of the things he chooses to be, yet I still love the bastard. He must be doing something right.

When you come into my house, you take off your shoes. I have no problem telling some jumped-up little prick to remove his grubby little fashion-flops, regardless of whether I've met the bastard or not.

What bothers me is that some cunts don't take it as given that they should take off their shoes. Shoes are for wearing outdoors. They protect your feet from the cold and cushion your soles. They also give domesticated man the chance to distinguish between home and outside, or private and public space.

To wear shoes in someone's house - friend or stranger - is beyond insulting. Shoes, which step in shit, piss, mould, cum, gum, fags, dirty bags and all kinds of dirty slag, scum, opposite-of-fun shite and the like, should not enter the clean homes of individuals. I'm so embarrassed to come from a country where taking your shoes off when you enter someone's house is not the norm. I believe it's the same in the US, too.

Plus, it's comfortable for both the guest and host if the cunting guest takes his shoes off. It shows that the host has welcomed the guest into his home, and that the guest doesn't have a I'm-just-stopping-off attitude to being in the host's house.

Cooking: garnish with love

For Eric, an experimental jazz-chef of the highest order

When cooking, the resulting food is often mistaken as that which we should love. Instead, while the meal is the purpose of cooking, to be truly rewarded for cooking a meal it is the food-making process itself which we should learn to enjoy.

Show respect for the utensils and cooking space. Love the technology, keep everything clean. If the kitchen looks like a bomb-site post cooking then you've gone wrong. Some are prone to putting food on a hob, going to the living room to watch the goggle-box and returning 10 minutes later to find that some of their shit-about-to-be-slopped-on-a-plate pap has become burnt and stuck to the base of the pan. It's baffling to think that some twits think the food will just cook itself.

Another faux pas is to slap the shit-on-tray faff and rush off to the dining table/armchair to cram the sludge down your gob as quickly as possible. Instead, serve the food and rinse out the pots and pans used so washing up later doesn't involve scraping, rubbing, sanding and too much general elbow grease.

Don't add salt unless absolutely necessary (i.e. lowering the temperature of water to boil pasta). Give the eater the option of adding salt to the finished dish himself. It's an absolute tit-up to make food, only to find that the eater would have prefered less salt.

A borrower and a lender be

For my brother, who runs a strict but fair and logical library.

Borrowing and lending, when conducted properly, can improve your quality of life. But when done incorrectly, sharing can cause rifts in a relationship. And while each borrow/lend situation should be treated individually, there are some general rules you should follow:

The lender

Tell the borrower when you want the item back. This is not just in your interest but in theirs also. I recommend:

Book - up to six months if the lender has already read it.
DVD/video - one week unless box set, for which up to three months if the lender has already seen it.
CD/cassette/record - up to one month. If the lender hasn't listened to it yet he shouldn't be lending it or even owning the bastard.
Clothes - one week. This gives the borrower enough time to fit the item into one of his weekly wash cycles.
Porn - should be restricted to internal house/flat-sharing overnight-rental conditions. Otherwise the return of the item can take months, if ever.

The borrower

The borrower should not need the lender to remind him to return the borrowed item.

If the borrower damages the lender's lend he must replace the item without questioning whether he should or not. Damage includes:

A book ruined by water, fire, dirt or tearing.
A warped or chewed-up tape or video.
A CD or DVD with a noticeable skip in any scene or track.
Torn, burnt or stained clothing.
Soiled porn.

Look at this beautiful exchange, in which the lender of a book is given the chance to review the extend of its damage and decide if the borrower should replace the book or not.

May shout-outs: rules proposed by friends

Big-ups go to Doctor Bowl-Rip Specialist and Victor.

Dr Bowl says two things on the subject of marijuana consumption:

Don't use too much tobacco. Smokers can tolerate a little more tobacco than necessary in a joint; but for a non-smoker it can't be nice. Therefore, limit the amount of tobacco you put in a jay-jay blaze-away. I suggest a six-parts ganja to four-parts tobacco ratio.

Enjoy the ride. Dr "hits-from-the" Bong also presents a fascinating take on the arc which is the marijuana high. He proposes that the stoner's experience should be enjoyed from start to finish, from up to down, high to low, i.e. you should avoid the "production line" process in which joint after joint is passed around the gang. Totally agree - difficult to stick to, though. Especially when the booze is involved.

Victor has this to say on the high five:

Ever noticed that you don't always make a perfect palm-to-palm connection when high-fiving? Eye up the elbow; align them. If you focus on your fellow high-fiver's hand, which will move in an arc-like trajectory, you increase the risk of a bad, or even the embarrassing missed, connection. By lining up each other's elbows - which don't move during this popular male activity - your success rate goes up many-fold.

Only use a statistic if you know it is correct

For Bean Head, my most reliable phone-a-friend.

Only use a statistic if you know it is correct. I've witnessed people splurting out a percentage or amount, and upon asking them if they're sure about the quoted figure, hearing the response, "well, I think so".

There is a temptation to cite statistics in order to support your argument. But to do so incorrectly; nay, falsely, only weakens your stance and credibility. In the same way that some people use the exclamation mark to compensate for their inability to write in a creative way, some folk take a stab at along-ago heard, urban-legend statistics in order to elevate their perceived level of knowledge on a subject.

Nothing wrong with that, of course; but if a dinner party descends into a big statistical mess, in which nothing anyone says can be trusted, then an inevitable silence will descend upon the room, as friends, relatives and strangers play a game of call-my-bluff mind-poker with each other.

Tip: The Guardian is the best website in terms of content and opinion, but if you want to know the score of a football game or order of play at The Open, check the BBC.

Although I don't envy fact-checkers, their profession is honourable and necessary. A fact isn't a fact if it's wrong - that's obvious. But facts are also subjective, given that we can't prove anything (although Descartes's "I think, therefore I am" is impressively close). And so if someone reads or hears a statistic, its nice for them to know that, because it has been researched and verified it is, in a word, probably true.

April shout-outs: stuff proposed by friends

Two from big Tom this week.

Guess the tits: stand behind a bird and try to guess if she's got nice baps on her. When she turns round to reveal her lady-sacks, several things can happen.
You guessed that her fun-bags would be big. Yes! They are, you're celebrating. She has bee stings. No! Shit. Play again.
You guessed she'd have tiny little jabbers. You're right. You feel good, self-assured. You're wrong. She's got a nice pair o' melons baby! Great game.

Pub-to-club observation: I've often noticed that during an evening with the lads I enjoy the club less than the pub preamble. Tom explains it like this: you go for some beers with the boys, get the banter and booze flowing; you're bouncing off each other. A rally of one-liners. Then off to the club and the banter suddenly stops. Now you need to create good vibes through a combination of body language and more booze - not good. You get smashed and try and pull; you don't really need the lads for that.

How to win at Pro Evolution Soccer

For Hayward. With him I had some of the greatest days spent in the worst living room I know, playing two-player master league.

Here's how to win at Pro Evo you lucky bastards.

Sit to attention: lean forward - you're not watching TV - and try to sit face-on to the screen.

Practice against the computer on level five. If you can't beat the computer on level five more than 80% of the time, forget it, never play again.

Use the radar: not doing so means you can only see what's currently on the screen. The radar is most useful when you win the ball in your own half and want to go on the counter-attack. I will often play the ball from defence to attack using only those useful dots at the bottom of the screen. When I've played against people who insist that you don't need to use the radar, I've always won the majority of games. In fact, I once played a first-to-50 against a friend who had turned off the radar option because he thought it was a visual distraction - unbelievable (we stopped playing after it got to about 20-4 to me).

Shooting: always tap the shoot button, no matter how far from goal you are. Plus, if you always tap shoot, it'll become instinctive; you'll reduce the risk of skying your shot in high-pressure moments.

Never lose the ball cheaply. Always clear the ball rather than pass it out of defence, unless it's safe to do so. Weak goals are inexcusable, be ashamed of that shit.

(Nearly) never use slide-tackle. Instead use the pressure button - but don't simply hold it down like you're going in for the kill; rather, ease in on your prey softly-softly catchy-monkey, like your tapping the accelerator in a car.

Make substitutions. Check the fitness levels of your players at half time and again, if necessary, on around the 70-minute mark. Also, pay attention to the players' form. If they've "got down syndrome", get them out; if they've "got a boner", play them. But not if it's the keeper or a star player, you muppet.

Pass the Dutchie to the correct side - spliff etiquette

For G-Force, a non-profit one-man dealer organisation.

Everyone (who can) should take turns to roll - and it's totally acceptable to goad a reluctant stoner to pull his weight.

Passing the doobie to the left-hand side is not a good rule. Instead, alternate the hand-off, ensuring that the same people from the smoker's circle don't repeatedly get the end, middle or beginning of the joint as it does the rounds.

You can throw the joint to the next smoker if you are outside and sat down - this breaks the silence and promotes movement.

Shout-out to the Beard for inspiring the "toke toll" - if the spliff needs to go via someone to get to the next stoner in the queue, that someone, if more than one-third of the joint remains, can take a drag of the joint as way of payment for his time and effort. This rule only applies if it is someone; and not some two, three or four greedy weed fiends.

Some don'ts and don'ts:

Don't roach someone's rizla packet without asking first. Any missing corner of card is a tell-tale sign of marijuana consumption; which, given some people's desire or need for discretion, you shouldn't leave evidence of without permission.

Don't mock, abuse or lecture a fellow stoner over his smoking technique. Rather, teach by way of suggestion and arguement. Getting high, like all arts, should evolve through the sharing of ideas and not, like bad art, by being dictated to you.

Don't pass someone an unlit joint. If you do, tell them it needs lighting and apologise for not having a lighter. It's rude to watch your fellow smoker go through the uncomfortable experience of taking a drag on a dud spliff.

March shout-outs: rules proposed by friends

For three-year-old Rico, who did a Kacke when I was the only adult in the flat. And lo and behold, when I anxiously went to wipe his arse – nothing, not a trace. The little fella had done one of those poos where you don’t need to wipe.

My brother says, if you buy someone a gift, don’t go for the easy option of either CD, DVD or book. In doing this, the gift giver is forced to use his imagination – and will invariably buy a better present.

He’s been a busy bee this month, also introducing me to his orange/banana system. What he does is this: prepare the individual orange segments and – here’s the twist – slice the banana. Then he eats a slice of banana followed by a slice of orange, and so on. The orange, he says, is perfect to wash down the banana and I agree.

The prize for biggest internet dick-face goes to Darren James Higginbottom. I caught this guy on a Facebook forum about Manchester’s finest poet, Morrissey.

You either 'get' Morrissey or you don't...if you DO 'get' him – then you are far better off for it, and probably have a far richer intellect as a result believe me.

Oh dear. He makes the small mistake of coming across as a massive arse.

Viewing football - it's the game itself which we should truly love

For Brian Clough - "If God had meant the game to be played up there, he would've put goalposts in the air."

To enjoy viewing football you have to remain objective. And being a hardcore fan of one club prevents this.

There are two reasons why football is the greatest sport. First, the shape of the ball. The sphere is the most perfect object in nature and mathematics; a player can make instinctive decisions by predicting its movement. Second, football takes the arms and hands - the most coordinated parts of the body - out of the equation, making it difficult enough to be impressive when played well. There isn't another sport in which the competitors are such well-balanced athletes. Tennis looks good in slow motion, but nobody cares about one man's dedication to something. Snooker is brilliant but - thanks to failed attempts - will never be a team sport.

Do support one club - just don't do it blindly. To enjoy the game for its entertainment value you must do it without favouritism. Admit a team's wrongs, even if it's your own.

However, football is also drama. The stories behind the clubs, managers and players make viewing more exciting. And this is why a certain amount of emotional attachment to one club is good.

Three rules they should bring in:

If the ball appears to have crossed the line, the referee has to ask the fourth official to view the replay. It won't take long; it's an undisputable decision. Fouls aren't, but offsides will be soon (some kind of sensor technology - real quick).
If a player is whistled for offside, he should still be allowed to shoot, as it is his right to do so, if only to let off steam, follow his instincts and entertain the crowd.
If a goalkeeper concedes a penalty, he shouldn't be given a red card, unless he saves the penalty.

An asthray is not a bin

For all the copy editors and grammarians – stick to the cause and if anyone calls you picky, remember that some people out there, whether indirectly or not, appreciate what you do.

Some people don't think about what they write anymore and the email has made writing almost as easy as talking. The following things annoyed me:

Bonjour M. Knight, or should I say bonsoir, I am writing to[...]

Yes you should say bonsoir, so go back, delete “bonjour”, replace it with “bonsoir” and continue writing. This isn't dialogue; you have the chance to correct your mistake, use it.

Oi, [Werner]. How the hell are you?

This is all she wrote. It left me with no return of serve - she gave me no information about herself and asked for no specific news about me. She could have sent the same thing to anyone, or I could have popped into her train of thought briefly, so she banged this out and got on with her day. “How are you?” is a conversation opener but far from a complete contribution in written form. I'm left with the annoying task of thinking of something to say – I have to make all the effort for something I didn't start.

Am not back in Baerlin until the 2nd but if you need any help with carrying shit then let me know!

Hugs, A

It's not necessary for Andy to use the exclamation mark; he must have had time to do a quick spell check; and either he can't be arsed to write his own name out fully, or thinks he's worthy of abbreviation status like FDR, JS Bach, AA Milne or OJ Simpson.

Don't read books

For Markus, who introduced me to The Economist and cowboy coffee, and for my brother, who struggles to read an entire play without having to tolerate my bewilderment.

If it takes roughly two to four weeks to read a book then you could read 26-52 books a year. If you start reading between the age of eight and 12 and live to about 60-85, that's roughly 1,250-4,000 books in a lifetime. Therefore, don't read books. In the same amount of time you could probably see a shit-load of films and listen to a massive earful of albums. Both forms of art are better, shorter, don't make you go blind and require less effort.

After finishing a book, actual feelings of relief and self-satisfaction are mistaken for a sense of enlightenment or increased knowledgeability, an easy mistake to make for something which takes so long to complete.

You only need books to understand the occasional clever reference in conversation, so just make sure you know these for when people refer to them, but don't make the smart-arse comments yourself or you may get caught out. And if you don't know the book being referred to then be honest and save face. You can't read all the good books out there.

Still, however, read something, such as the football section of The Guardian and The Economist because it's brilliant.

February shout-outs: rules proposed by friends

No rule is final, there's nearly always an exception. In the case of this blog's title it's bottle caps and the occasional tea bag.

Paul reminds me of this one: don't drink coffee each and every morning. Ask yourself if you're tired because you've had too little sleep (drink the stuff) or if you're tired because you've woken up in the last hour or two (don't drink).

Markus's father told him something in German along the lines of "do what your body tells you". Brilliant - I, like so many, should pay more attention to my body's needs and desires. More often than not my pathetic-excuse-for-a-man torso is literally and metaphorically "on its arse".

Irish Stu says, "it's ok to steal something you know hasn't been used for 12 months". In his case it was some iPod accessory or other; and I'm not even sure he really waited a year but what the hey, it felt right and so my friend from the Emerald Isle played his 'exception card'.

Child management

For Rico, my youngest friend.

Raising a child must be difficult, but there are simple ways to be a child's friend.

Treat children as equal, but be an authority on right and wrong. Smile and laugh a lot. Be the same, uninhibited person you were when you were a child; chillax. But don't prance around like some over-excited tit if it feels contrived.

Children don't understand sarcasm so you shouldn't use it. But do be ironic, if only to entertain the other adults around you – this is used in films such as Bee Movie and The Incredibles.

Encourage them to eat fruit - nature's candy. The banana is a wonderful thing, which, as well as being tasty and nutritious, can be made to look like a phone; a bananaphone if you like.

Amateur snooker

For Small Boy and Jay-D - two of the game's best characters.

Snooker, like golf, is difficult. But unlike golf, where attempting difficult shots can heighten the enjoyment, snooker should be played conservatively to prevent the game from becoming frustrating and to improve your chances of success.

Don't be overly ambitious. This applies to all aspects of the game - choose a safety or a shot-to-nothing over a difficult pot; don't twat the cue ball; sacrifice position on the next shot if it makes your current pot substantially more difficult; and avoid the use of side-spin on anything more than a simple tap-in.

Essentially, play to your limits and don't try to emulate the professionals you see on the telly.

Some other rules:

Don't celebrate a fluke; do apologise
Don't play the foul-and-a-miss rule, just be honest and gentlemanly
Always re-spot the colour for your opponent so he can maintain concentration
Never share either chalk or a cue - both are essential pieces of a player's attire which need to be held at all times, they are an extension of the body
Don't answer your phone or go to the toilet during a frame
Don't talk or move during your opponent's shot, standing in your opponent's eye-line is ok, but don't do it deliberately
Pot the reds and screw back, for the yellow, green, brown, blue, pink and black

My researcher told me I'd get her on this one

For Robot Jon, who never let anyone take his porn away.

If your girlfriend asks why you use porn and don't think of her, use this: there is a difference between reality and fantasy. And wanking allows the wanker to explore his imagination. Though it's probably best not to discuss it really. Only if she brings it up - always be honest and defend yourself.

Rule: don't wank to a picture or video of someone you know.
Exception to the rule: you've taken them to the bone yard.

Is this gay?

This clip immediately made me ask if it was gay to be aroused by it? I think it is because both humans have penises. It is ok, however, to watch and enjoy a she-male shag a woman; that's no different to watching regular man-on-bird porn. There just needs to be one penis-less person involved - and no two penis-equipped people can engage each other sexually; in the midst of a threesome, for example. Still, I must say, I find all of this very confusing.

Wank tip No. 1: save it for later.

Just come up with this now. Sometimes when you have a wank using youporn, you end up – in the heat of the wanky moment – settling for a poor video selection. Instead, spend a free moment of time at work selecting one or more clips of true quality and then email the links to yourself for when you get home.

While in the office you can’t wank (unless you’re alone and you’re sure it’s safe) and so you judge the videos differently.

Thanks to this new system, I now have les-be-friend kissing, 69ers and a bit of ebony to look forward to later.

All you can eat should be called “Is this all I can eat?”

For COO Graham, a chilled-out boss and spud expert.

All-you-can-eat offers are appealing to the average pleb. If, like me, you have a tight budget, the offer of all you can eat can be a tempting one. However, I believe there is a dark underbelly to the all-you-can-eat offerings found in your local restaurants.

The first rule is this: eating all you can leaves you feeling bloated and fatigued, to the extent that the memories of the meal are not fond ones. I feel that this is an often overlooked aspect to the all-you-can-eat concept.

That which is on offer is often a mish-mash of various sub-standard foodstuffs. The price may seem tempting but a square meal, in which love and attention is invested by the kitchen staff, is often better. I went to a brunch all you can eat yesterday which cost €7.50. I had salmon, chicken wings, waffles, ham, cheese, sausages, bread, scrambled eggs and spring rolls (what the?). But other things on offer were lasagne, goulash, croquettes and potato gratin. It’s too much eclecticism, you get me?

We had some gr8 times, but times hav chnged. I nd 2tel u hw I feel about the txt

For Stuart, who I've witnessed lift a rack of shelves through a window.

Sometimes you just want to tell something to someone, without having to go through the usual preamble of a telephone conversation. That's when an SMS can be useful. But there are some situations in which the text message has become moribund.

The SMS is no longer an acceptable way to make your first phone contact with a lady you're interested in. If you've gotten to know a woman and want to see her again, a phone call shows more effort and dedication.

The break-up text in a no no, unless you're a teenager, or courting one. Think back to an SMS which was a key part of break-up negotiations and it probably wasn't pretty - but then neither was she. Break the news face-to-face, in a public place.

Throw some shelves with dictionaries, thesauri, and other reference books out the window, but then drag it all back in. It was ok to write in text-speak and in many ways it still is. There's no need for grammarian-level punctuation, God no. But words should be spelt out in full and the use of “2” for “to” or “too” and “4” for “for” should be avoided. If something is easier for the writer it isn’t necessarily easier for the reader. We learn to read complete words and breaking up sentences with abbreviations made of numbers becomes confusing.

Going back to emails: here are two facebook wall posts I found:

Ruby, from Argentina, at first glance, appears to be totally deranged; however, on closer inspection, it becomes clear that some real effort has gone into this highly impressive creation, which has a strange feel of musical notation about it:

HelloOoooOoooOOoooo MikeeeeeEeeeeeEeeeeEEeeeeEEeeeeeeey, helloOoooOoooOOoooo hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii ;O :s :D :)) ;0 :O ;0 :)) ;))

Harriet, from University College London, simply doesn't understand:

I don't understand!!!!!!!!!!!1

And in her confusion the poor girl's finger slips from the shift key, leaving a bemused “1” to question why it looks different from all the others.

An ashtray is not a bin!

For Jay-D who, despite disliking my use, as an Englishman, of the word SMS rather than text message, is a Europhile at heart.

Some linguists have suggested that the English language has suffered as a result of the email and SMS. Absolute poppycock. They just give a bunch of arseholes carte blanche to express themselves as lazily and haphazardly as they like.

“LOL” is not acceptable. Just use “haha”, it's more onomatopoeic. “Hows u?” – what the fuck? This is almost as bad as putting an exclamation mark at the end of a sentence. By putting emphasis on sentences in this way, you only serve to desensitise the reader to what you are saying. It shows a lack of creativity; an inability to say what you feel with words, relying, instead, on a pretty little piece of punctuation.

Here's an example: “no matter what country you are in... you cannot escape the dreaded ikea bag lol” I don't know this person but Jesus, not only does she use lol, she uses it to draw attention to what she perceives to be a funny joke – her joke. The Ikea bag she refers to is in a picture of a family at a beach. They probably took the Ikea bag because it is big and sturdy. Her comment is therefore redundant.

Another tool: “Man that is one cute kid!” – a comment left on a photo of a mother and daughter. This idiot obviously feels that to use a simple full stop at the end of the sentence wouldn't really do justice to his excitement.

Another spoon: “Yeh, that's what's cute ;)” – the use of the winking smiley here suggests that the writer is being ironic or clever, without providing any evidence whatsoever to suggest that that is the case.

I must stress that women are exempt from the last two sub-rules. Physically, ladies are shapely and beautiful; men are mechanical and bland. And so it makes sense for a woman to decorate her sentences with smileys and exclamation marks, in the same way that they wear pretty clothes and make up. Men, on the other hand, in basic terms, have to provide hard evidence (oops, pardon!) to prove their worth – we're not peacocks.

To summarise, people write utterly mundane bullshit and at the end of it use a punctuation mark or smiley to excuse their hollow personalities. Yes! I win!

Where can I piss?

For Mr Shit, who always carries at least one tissue.

It is ok to piss in a public place but not in public. You should, ideally, only piss on soil; for example, by a roadside tree. You can piss on public property but not on private property. Importantly, public property includes official state grounds and church gardens: you're not making a wet, political protest or pissing on religious principles; you're having a piss. But that doesn't excuse pissing on an image of somebody - don't be a dick.

Shitting is a more touchy subject. Humans have vile shit - the dirtiest of all mammals, someone once told me. So you should only shit outdoors in rural or wooded areas where people aren't likely to tread foot. You should also have a good supply of tissues on you: it is unfair on others, and yourself, to walk around with a shitty arse.

When is it ok to steal? And how to steal without getting caught

For my brother, a rookie, yet keen stealer of books.

You can steal from any major company. If anyone suggests that it is the employees of a major company who suffer from your petty thievery, they are wrong. If a company knows of a way to save money – even if it includes cutting staff – they will. And major corporations budget theft, damage or loss of their products into the price, i.e. they make sure they make a profit. It is wrong to steal from a small, local business; however, it is ok to steal from an individual, so long as you first establish with some certainty that they are a twat. Office theft is ok, but don’t go crazy. You can take liberties by making personal phone calls and print-outs, as well as stealing the occasional folder/file for you brother, but that’s about it. No matter how much you hate your job, you should still maintain some level of gratitude and respect towards your employer.

First rule: don’t get ahead of yourself, i.e. don’t steal something you can’t conceal easily or something which is expensive and likely to be well guarded. Don’t steal in your local neighbourhood; it’s possible that someone could recognise you. If possible, buy something as well as stealing something. This is a perfect distraction technique. You are removed as a suspicious target. Luckily for thrill-seeking shoplifters such as myself, there are enough junkies out there stealing badly – thus making them the focus of the average shop security guard.

What, exactly, is a blowjob?

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January 2008 shout-outs: rules proposed by friends

Jacinta quipped: If you print a poster and make a mistake or forget to include something, don’t just scribble it on in pen afterwards. This is unprofessional. Reprint the bastard. There is a much broader field to discuss on the importance of accuracy in all published documents, but for another time perhaps.

Paul mused: To introduce yourself to a band, avoid buying a best of CD. Go instead for their most highly acclaimed album. On that note, compilation/best of CDs should always have a chronological song order. This narrows the amount of subjectivity that goes into the selection. It also gives the listener an idea of how the band’s music progressed over time. What particular songs are chosen, of course, will always remain subjective.

Jay-D didn’t suggest this in January but it’s a brilliant rule: If you meet a bird always get her number before going in for the kiss. This shows a level of commitment, making her more likely to kop. It’s sad that we men have to think about these things but we do and, based on Jon’s success rate, it's worth considering.

Facebook is a good way to keep in touch with friends

For the Calton Avenue Boys, a.k.a. Kings of Banter.

To establish the rules of Facebook profile pages, one point must be made before the rest can follow: if you are on Facebook to make friends, stop reading, you’re an idiot, make friends by actually meeting/talking to people an’ all that; if you are on Facebook to keep in touch with existing friends or re-establish contact with former friends, read on.

First rule: do have a photo. The attraction of Facebook, apart from its ease of use, is that it puts a face to the recipient. Not having a photo shows a lack of effort. Even worse is to have a cartoon image of yourself. This tells friends which you haven’t seen in a while that you’ve gotten fat.

Second rule: give your phone number. Some friends may not have your number. If you don’t want some of your ‘friends’ to know your number then they’re not your friends.

Third rule: Don’t allude to your relationship status or sexuality. Clearly a pattern is emerging. If your friends don’t know if you prefer the penis or the vagina, they’re not your friends. And stating if you’re single or not removes all sense of mystery and excitement. It can also lead to problems when you start a relationship with someone on Facebook and you can’t gauge when the best time to change from ‘single’ to ‘in a relationship’ is.

Fourth rule: bit controversial this one – It is acceptable to un-tag yourself on a photo. We, as aging lifeforms, age. And as such, a timeless image could depict a person badly, i.e. we are not supposed to be viewed as a still image. A good example would be the way the media shows politicians and celebrities pulling funny faces and then builds a caption or headline around it.

Fifth rule: adding applications and joining groups – you shouldn’t do it. When I first joined Facebook I received an invitation from a close friend to join the group ‘Bring back Fifteen to One’. I did, naively so, but in reality all I was saying was I liked Fifteen to One, it was a good show and I’d like to see it back on the telly. But you can keep that sort of stuff to yourself, really.

Sixth rule: don't remove friends. Somebody did it to me and I noticed. It hurt. I've recently spoken to the lady in question and we've sorted it all out now.

Shout out to Jacinta for this seventh rule: don't make an album with less than ten photos, says Jacinta. Well done love.

The ethics of watching porn (re-edited).

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The ethics of watching porn

For Jewart Gaywood, a man who, deprived of a video or DVD player, borrowed the case to a porno I had, and in doing so, proved his dedication to the cause.

The ethics of watching porn – tricky one this, given the difficulty in telling if a girl is willing, unwilling, or enjoy being slightly unwilling. Don’t listen to people who tell you watching porn is bad. Their logic is this: some of the people in porn are pressured or even forced – given their monetary status or pressure applied from someone – to be in pornographic films.

Utter shite logic. This argumentative ‘template’ is used in other forms - gambling, drinking, drugs, etc. For example, Bill Hicks described the warning that you shouldn’t take LSD because you may believe you can fly and jump of a building, and he flipped it on its head, calling people who do this dicks. “If he thought he could fly, why didn’t he practise taking off from the ground first?”

The point being this: yes, some of the people in porn are taken advantage of, but some people who drink alcohol become alcoholics. Harold Shipman, the GP from Hyde, England, was the biggest known serial killer of all time but we haven't ban this tried and tested medical profession.

How to avoid this. First of all, if a person in a porno is under aged, stop watching. You’re watching child porn. Get out of the room; turn off your computer. Better still, burn the bastard.

Cheap porn is often a bad sign. Go for the upmarket stuff starring the bigger names, i.e. Gina Wild, Jenna Jameson, Chasey Lain (a personal favourite; she had a blonde streak in her hair which I liked). Alternatively, turn full circle and go for ultra-cheap, home-movie stuff. If the man getting fellated is holding the camera in one hand, I doubt he’s got a gun in his other.

I think men like me watch porn just to see other people have sex. A form of compensation if you like. I hardly ever have sex but God damn do I wank one off every now and then. Why should I miss out on penetration etc.? I never hurt no body, raped no body, or robbed nobody. Well the last one isn't quite true. More on that another day.

I know this blog was badly structured and none of my arguments were well constructed. Sorry. I think I'll edit it next week.

The OCB papers system

Dedicated to K.J.Wood, a.k.a. the Queen of Camp. Puts Inman, Clary, Williams and myself to shame, and knows how to have a good lunch.

Anybody know these? Bloody good rolling papers, with one drawback - the two seperate piles of papers within one case, meaning one pile often runs out before the other. The papers in the remaining pile then slip towards the space left empty by its former aider and abetter, partner-in-crime, fellow cancer criminal. This makes the papers difficult to remove unless you have fingers like pincers.

A simple system prevents this: If the top papers of each pile point in different directions, take from the upper pile; (in the picture, for example, though it's hard to make out, they point in the same direction), if the they point the same way, take from the lower pile.

Yeah? Think about it. Different direction: top; same way: bottom. Yeah? Came up with that all myself.

A good way to remember the rule:

"Face the same way, bit gay, in a way, like bottom today;
Different directions, early preventions, then he mentions, the top pile's pretentions."

iTunes on shuffle mode.

Dedicated to MM, who has been sick of late; Paul Martin, for giving me the idea; and Damien Seaman, a friend and a real writer – look.

Given the enormity of the average iTune-user's mp3 collection, it can often be difficult to settle on some music to listen to. I am, for example, forced to choose between some 70 GB of music. As such, many people opt for 'shuffle mode'. But there are several rules I follow in order to maximise the listening experience.

1) If I like the song and it is less than four minutes long, I must listen. This prevents repeated skipping of tracks until you settle on one you're in the mood for, which brings me onto my next point.

2) The rule comes before mood. Moods are silly and short-lived. They can't be expressed in a song, at least not one single mood, contrary to popular opinion. For example, when feeling blue (fucking stupid mood that), putting on a song by The Smiths, Johnny Cash or Radiohead – and other such musicians labelled 'moody' - can have the reverse effect or no effect at all. It is silly and distorting. Life, and especially music, isn't that simple – what mood are you in right now then, eh? As such, if a five-minute song comes on, which would validate a skip, it should be not be ignored if it turns out to be hard house, disco, a hip-hop anthem, etc. and you wanna get high and chill, yeah?

3) If I know and like the artist/band but don't know the song I can listen to the first five seconds or so before making my decision. However, under no circumstances may I skip to the middle/end of the song to see how it progresses. This is shit. I'm pretty sure Jorge Bolet never pictured some spotty-arsed lump of shit, lying in his little wank hole, skipping to the middle to see how his piano transcription of Wagner's Tannhäuser overture develops.

To those of you who read this to the end, thank you and sorry. I'm still not sure what the purpose of a blog is, other than to go on about yourself and act like people care.