My researcher told me I'd get her on this one

For Robot Jon, who never let anyone take his porn away.

If your girlfriend asks why you use porn and don't think of her, use this: there is a difference between reality and fantasy. And wanking allows the wanker to explore his imagination. Though it's probably best not to discuss it really. Only if she brings it up - always be honest and defend yourself.

Rule: don't wank to a picture or video of someone you know.
Exception to the rule: you've taken them to the bone yard.

Is this gay?

This clip immediately made me ask if it was gay to be aroused by it? I think it is because both humans have penises. It is ok, however, to watch and enjoy a she-male shag a woman; that's no different to watching regular man-on-bird porn. There just needs to be one penis-less person involved - and no two penis-equipped people can engage each other sexually; in the midst of a threesome, for example. Still, I must say, I find all of this very confusing.

Wank tip No. 1: save it for later.

Just come up with this now. Sometimes when you have a wank using youporn, you end up – in the heat of the wanky moment – settling for a poor video selection. Instead, spend a free moment of time at work selecting one or more clips of true quality and then email the links to yourself for when you get home.

While in the office you can’t wank (unless you’re alone and you’re sure it’s safe) and so you judge the videos differently.

Thanks to this new system, I now have les-be-friend kissing, 69ers and a bit of ebony to look forward to later.

All you can eat should be called “Is this all I can eat?”

For COO Graham, a chilled-out boss and spud expert.

All-you-can-eat offers are appealing to the average pleb. If, like me, you have a tight budget, the offer of all you can eat can be a tempting one. However, I believe there is a dark underbelly to the all-you-can-eat offerings found in your local restaurants.

The first rule is this: eating all you can leaves you feeling bloated and fatigued, to the extent that the memories of the meal are not fond ones. I feel that this is an often overlooked aspect to the all-you-can-eat concept.

That which is on offer is often a mish-mash of various sub-standard foodstuffs. The price may seem tempting but a square meal, in which love and attention is invested by the kitchen staff, is often better. I went to a brunch all you can eat yesterday which cost €7.50. I had salmon, chicken wings, waffles, ham, cheese, sausages, bread, scrambled eggs and spring rolls (what the?). But other things on offer were lasagne, goulash, croquettes and potato gratin. It’s too much eclecticism, you get me?

We had some gr8 times, but times hav chnged. I nd 2tel u hw I feel about the txt

For Stuart, who I've witnessed lift a rack of shelves through a window.

Sometimes you just want to tell something to someone, without having to go through the usual preamble of a telephone conversation. That's when an SMS can be useful. But there are some situations in which the text message has become moribund.

The SMS is no longer an acceptable way to make your first phone contact with a lady you're interested in. If you've gotten to know a woman and want to see her again, a phone call shows more effort and dedication.

The break-up text in a no no, unless you're a teenager, or courting one. Think back to an SMS which was a key part of break-up negotiations and it probably wasn't pretty - but then neither was she. Break the news face-to-face, in a public place.

Throw some shelves with dictionaries, thesauri, and other reference books out the window, but then drag it all back in. It was ok to write in text-speak and in many ways it still is. There's no need for grammarian-level punctuation, God no. But words should be spelt out in full and the use of “2” for “to” or “too” and “4” for “for” should be avoided. If something is easier for the writer it isn’t necessarily easier for the reader. We learn to read complete words and breaking up sentences with abbreviations made of numbers becomes confusing.

Going back to emails: here are two facebook wall posts I found:

Ruby, from Argentina, at first glance, appears to be totally deranged; however, on closer inspection, it becomes clear that some real effort has gone into this highly impressive creation, which has a strange feel of musical notation about it:

HelloOoooOoooOOoooo MikeeeeeEeeeeeEeeeeEEeeeeEEeeeeeeey, helloOoooOoooOOoooo hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii ;O :s :D :)) ;0 :O ;0 :)) ;))

Harriet, from University College London, simply doesn't understand:

I don't understand!!!!!!!!!!!1

And in her confusion the poor girl's finger slips from the shift key, leaving a bemused “1” to question why it looks different from all the others.

An ashtray is not a bin!

For Jay-D who, despite disliking my use, as an Englishman, of the word SMS rather than text message, is a Europhile at heart.

Some linguists have suggested that the English language has suffered as a result of the email and SMS. Absolute poppycock. They just give a bunch of arseholes carte blanche to express themselves as lazily and haphazardly as they like.

“LOL” is not acceptable. Just use “haha”, it's more onomatopoeic. “Hows u?” – what the fuck? This is almost as bad as putting an exclamation mark at the end of a sentence. By putting emphasis on sentences in this way, you only serve to desensitise the reader to what you are saying. It shows a lack of creativity; an inability to say what you feel with words, relying, instead, on a pretty little piece of punctuation.

Here's an example: “no matter what country you are in... you cannot escape the dreaded ikea bag lol” I don't know this person but Jesus, not only does she use lol, she uses it to draw attention to what she perceives to be a funny joke – her joke. The Ikea bag she refers to is in a picture of a family at a beach. They probably took the Ikea bag because it is big and sturdy. Her comment is therefore redundant.

Another tool: “Man that is one cute kid!” – a comment left on a photo of a mother and daughter. This idiot obviously feels that to use a simple full stop at the end of the sentence wouldn't really do justice to his excitement.

Another spoon: “Yeh, that's what's cute ;)” – the use of the winking smiley here suggests that the writer is being ironic or clever, without providing any evidence whatsoever to suggest that that is the case.

I must stress that women are exempt from the last two sub-rules. Physically, ladies are shapely and beautiful; men are mechanical and bland. And so it makes sense for a woman to decorate her sentences with smileys and exclamation marks, in the same way that they wear pretty clothes and make up. Men, on the other hand, in basic terms, have to provide hard evidence (oops, pardon!) to prove their worth – we're not peacocks.

To summarise, people write utterly mundane bullshit and at the end of it use a punctuation mark or smiley to excuse their hollow personalities. Yes! I win!

Where can I piss?

For Mr Shit, who always carries at least one tissue.

It is ok to piss in a public place but not in public. You should, ideally, only piss on soil; for example, by a roadside tree. You can piss on public property but not on private property. Importantly, public property includes official state grounds and church gardens: you're not making a wet, political protest or pissing on religious principles; you're having a piss. But that doesn't excuse pissing on an image of somebody - don't be a dick.

Shitting is a more touchy subject. Humans have vile shit - the dirtiest of all mammals, someone once told me. So you should only shit outdoors in rural or wooded areas where people aren't likely to tread foot. You should also have a good supply of tissues on you: it is unfair on others, and yourself, to walk around with a shitty arse.

When is it ok to steal? And how to steal without getting caught

For my brother, a rookie, yet keen stealer of books.

You can steal from any major company. If anyone suggests that it is the employees of a major company who suffer from your petty thievery, they are wrong. If a company knows of a way to save money – even if it includes cutting staff – they will. And major corporations budget theft, damage or loss of their products into the price, i.e. they make sure they make a profit. It is wrong to steal from a small, local business; however, it is ok to steal from an individual, so long as you first establish with some certainty that they are a twat. Office theft is ok, but don’t go crazy. You can take liberties by making personal phone calls and print-outs, as well as stealing the occasional folder/file for you brother, but that’s about it. No matter how much you hate your job, you should still maintain some level of gratitude and respect towards your employer.

First rule: don’t get ahead of yourself, i.e. don’t steal something you can’t conceal easily or something which is expensive and likely to be well guarded. Don’t steal in your local neighbourhood; it’s possible that someone could recognise you. If possible, buy something as well as stealing something. This is a perfect distraction technique. You are removed as a suspicious target. Luckily for thrill-seeking shoplifters such as myself, there are enough junkies out there stealing badly – thus making them the focus of the average shop security guard.

What, exactly, is a blowjob?

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January 2008 shout-outs: rules proposed by friends

Jacinta quipped: If you print a poster and make a mistake or forget to include something, don’t just scribble it on in pen afterwards. This is unprofessional. Reprint the bastard. There is a much broader field to discuss on the importance of accuracy in all published documents, but for another time perhaps.

Paul mused: To introduce yourself to a band, avoid buying a best of CD. Go instead for their most highly acclaimed album. On that note, compilation/best of CDs should always have a chronological song order. This narrows the amount of subjectivity that goes into the selection. It also gives the listener an idea of how the band’s music progressed over time. What particular songs are chosen, of course, will always remain subjective.

Jay-D didn’t suggest this in January but it’s a brilliant rule: If you meet a bird always get her number before going in for the kiss. This shows a level of commitment, making her more likely to kop. It’s sad that we men have to think about these things but we do and, based on Jon’s success rate, it's worth considering.