YouTube subscription picks

Here are a few of my favourite YouTube users which I recommend you subscribe to. Too many people still don't take advantage of YouTube fully, choosing instead to browse the site randomly, Wikipedia-journey-esque; or going via most viewed or viral websites.

http://www.youtube.com/user/66294 - this person uploads highlights of classic international and European football. Great stuff.

Jake and Amir - two funny lads from the College Humor franchise. These two-minute sketches are very funny.

Raocow - this guy tones down the curse words to be child-friendly and plays mostly Super Mario hacks. He's mad but just lovely.

discosean21 - a lovely man who sadly lost a child in its infancy but still has a wonderfully positive outlook on life. Here he is documenting the birth of his latest child:

AtheneWins - the cockiest gamer in history. Out-cocking Charlie Sheen years earlier, this guy is a lesson in how self-belief can help us all to better ourselves. Here is one of his many rants:

vahchef - a great chef from India who can show you how to make all the famous Indian dishes and also his take on some classic meals from around the world.

schmoyoho - musicians who take mostly viral videos or major US news items and turn them into songs. most famous for this:

BBQ Pit Boys - these lads are probably racist republicans but they make a mean grill. They know that the true flavour from barbequeing meat is derived through smoking the meat slowly over indirect heat.

Kids - 'k off my reality TV show!

For Doggy and his strong skull.

Children should not be the focus of any reality TV shows because they are not fully matured humans. There is no point watching underdeveloped people because they receive preferential treatment from adult judges, afraid of hurting the little ones' underdeveloped emotions. Here are three of the worst:

Junior Masterchef - Seeing children coming into contact with the individual ingredients used to make a meal is nauseating. The majority of them probably have a permanent layer of encrusted snot bacteria on their baby calluses, which no amount of cleaning agent can remove. More importantly, the judges cannot berate them to the same extent as they can adult competitors - something which has proved to be a sizzling hit on the normal Masterchef and with Gordon Ramsay's shows.

Junior Apprentice - Successful business people tend not to be the coolest of cats, so seeing them in their mid-pubescent 16- to 17-year-old form is uncomfortable. They are all at different stages of puberty and at least two of them are gay but probably haven't outed themselves yet, which could lead to extra bullying in the schoolyard.

X Factor/Pop Idol and all that shit - Children who are talented will nearly always become more talented when they grow into young adults. The idiot audiences in shows like X Factor seem to ignore this. There are also a lot of cases where fame from a young age can damage a person - Michael Jackson, Britney Spears and most professional footballers. And then this can happen, which is just awful for everyone appart from Cowell.

Prostitution, pimping pizzas and music on laptops

For Just and other fair people.

Wayne Rooney probably slept wth one or more prostitutes recently. He has done so in the past. I have never slept with a lady of the night and hope I never need too. In some cases I think prostitution is acceptable. But everyone should have a code: Leon the professional killer has "no women, no kids"; Omar from The Wire only steals from fellow criminals; and my brother has to hear every piece of dialogue when watching a film and will rewind if you talk over a line regardless of its significance.

And so when Rooney or anyone else pays for sex from another person he is also paying for a no-hassle, confidential shag. If he rags some split-arse that he picks up in a club he would be right to fear that his wife may find out. But the prostitute who spilled Wayne's salty beans all over the News of the World has broken her vocational code and should be expelled from her trade... for a while, like a magician who reveals a trick.

Now Dr Oetker pizzas used to be better than those of its frozen-pizza competitors, but there are now some better brands available for a much lower price. Notably, Aldi and Lidl pizzas. I recommend pimping a pizza by choosing one with basic toppings such as spinach or mozarella and adding fresh ingredients with the money you save, which will usually be better than the frozen meat and vegetables featured on the more elaborate offerings.

Know this: there are some songs that cannot be enjoyed fully on laptop speakers, which tend to give more volume to the upper frequencies in a song. This makes music from the more bass-driven genres such as funk, techno and 90s pop lose some of their value, leading to misjudgements in musical appreciation. As such, when DJing from a laptop you should choose more vocally driven songs than bass-driven ones - or get a phat speaker syztem, you get me!

Words or phrases you should know but probably maybe do not

Dedicated to my male friends, for which no topic is too taboo.

You bet! - When you see a girl who is fine mm mm tastalicious you can say this. A shortening of "you bet I would". Subtler alternatives include "Mathew Kelly!" the host of UK TV-show "You Bet!" from 1991-95, and, when in Germany, "wetten dass!" from the Fatherland's very own version which is still going strong "Wetten dass..?" and "Thomas Gottschalk!", its presenter.

Camel tail - like a cameltoe but for men.

Tribbing - two ladies scissoring each other.

Perineum - the bit between the arse and male or female sex-piece. Slang terms for male perineae include "barse" and "banus", apparently. I guess you could therefore have "varse" and "vanus" for women.

Split-arse - a woman. A bit vulgar this one, but the etymology of the phrase is if you imagine an arse being split in two, creating two arses, one of which evolves into a vagina. Oh dear.

Fingerbang/fingerpop - to finger a hole, normally sexual but I used it recently to describe putting my fingers down my throat to make myself vomit.

July shout-outs: stuff proposed by friends

Two from Squeaky Bill this month.

It is this that Squeaky has to say on pre-grated packets of Parmigiano-Reggiano. They are better than whole chunks of the stuff because they are grated to perfection and also save on gruelling manpower. Despite pre-grated being more expensive to buy per gram, Squeakalicious argues that it is actually cheaper - the whole block leads to spillage and big chunks flaking off during self-grating, and you are left with the inedible outer crust at the end.

The game of Boule is great fun, but a three-way game does not work so well as one-on-one or two-on-two games, much like in pool or snooker. But rather than have one person sit out an entire first-to-13 game, Squeaks suggests applying the winner-stays-on rule after each end yet at the same time keeping an accumulative score and playing first to 13. That way no one has to sit out for more than one end. Looking forward to trying that out soon.